I do not know exactly why I am so angry. I wake up every day with a load on my shoulders; as if I had not slept at all, but instead spent that time feverishly working, often times with the sweat to prove it, yet accomplishing nothing.
My legs ache of heavy lifting or much walking. My back the same. My arms not so much sore, but lethargic. Simply raising a spoon to my mouth is a struggling effort.
I can’t help but think that this may be, because everyday is a day I deal with a terror of frustration and inadequacy.
Frustration for many reasons. Current events and the state of humanity are constant agitators for me. I avoid national news like the plague, and political conversations send me off the deep end from time to time. You may find in a state of gibbering half-senses and curses.
Humanity…Oh sad, declining humanity, how can I escape you? This is probably the toughest of all things for me to cope with. Why?, you may ask. We are surrounded by it! You cannot get away from it and be a productive member of society…Unless you have the money, so in my case the choices are hermitry or psychosis! Most of what bothers me are little things, but the little things add up. Things that show me peoples lack of respect for others and themselves and without these everything else is pointless; Like dancing at a family reunion. You know your not going to get anywhere, nor would you want to.
Frustration at work, being surrounded by something that both scares the crap out of me and drives me nuts, trying to to wrap my mind around it.
Apathy of thought. I did not realize the number of people out there who absolutely refuse to think for themselves. This scares me, because we live in a democracy. My life and the life of my loved ones is in the hands of a bunch of people I wouldn’t trust as guards at a prison for the deaf,dumb and blind! People who will check whichever box on a ballot that their favorite TV network tells them to. All because Apathy is RULE #1.
Parents no longer need to raise their children, because if they get a “raw deal” just blame it on video games, D & D, twinkies or any of the numerous other scapegoats created by the media.
The people That believe that a video game, essentially an inanimate object, has more control and influence on an individual(not just children anymore) then their parents/loved ones do. I suppose we shouldn’t expect much more from a country that for the past 10 years the only way a working family can stay afloat is have the TV babysit, while mom and dad work 50+ hours a week each to have some sort or respectable living situation, or the kids get taken away and the parents are labeled dead beats.
All this drives me nuts for numerous reasons. I realize that thought is slowly dying, which is sad and terrifying in its own respects. I barley have time to think out my life and put my thoughts together, let alone do the remedial thinking for someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I love to help people, even “educate” them but there is a big difference between that and doing all the thinking for someone, breaking the information down into toddler size bites.
Its getting harder and harder for me to find like-minded people, those of diverse thinking and who consider themselves smart and actually are(not to toot my own horn). I feel like I’m in a foreign country, surrounded by people who may speak the same language but who’s traditions and customs are different then my own.
While I wish I could “go with the flow” and just “chill”, its not quite that simple. Trying to carve a nitch out for myself in life has become a frustrating endeavor, which is probably how this angered started(I used to be pretty happy once, back when I was ignorant of how life is).
Inadequacy, at feeling worthless of not accomplishing the things I wish to accomplish. Trying day to day to do a little of this and a little of that, of the things I want to learn and know. Only to find out, frustratingly enough, that I cannot focus and concentrate enough to learn anything on my own. In the end I only feel stupid at not being able to understand what is right in front of me.
Looking at my bank account with confusion as to where my money has gone and why I can’t save any money. Realizing that it is my compulsion to spend money and by new things, to make myself happy, that is tapping me out, but seeing no way out of the downward spiral. I get frustrated and spend more money. Thus completing the circle.
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